I’m 14, let me explain this… I wasn’t gay my whole life, as a matter of fact I started being interested towards the same gender in the beginning of 8th Grade.
It all started in Elementary, but I used to only have a crush on girls in my class. It was the innocent type of crush, not based on looks but their personality. I met this really sweet, and kind girl I knew since 2nd Grade, it was quite sad when she moved in 5th Grade.
It wasn’t until age 11 1/2, when I was madly obsessed with older girls, [20s, 30s], like on the television, I had fantasies and dreams, and that’s when puberty began… But when I was in 8th Grade, those fantasies went away, and I’ve always started getting curious about guys the same gender. The guys in my class were unattractive, of course I would never think about ending up with them. It wasn’t guys my age, I found attractive but older men [late 20s, 30s, 40s and even early 50s] Ever since, I couldn’t help my fantasy over older men, I had dreams and they took toll. One time I was daydreaming, and pretending I was talking to my “future boyfriend” before I went to sleep. It’s so difficult, to maintain and discover my sexuality. I know I’m only fourteen, but this is interfering with daily life. If I am gay, I am still in the closet and scared to come out, I almost tried coming out to a friend but immediately changed the topic because I got too frightened, and I knew for sure I still had an attraction for women at the same time. It’s really difficult, because I don’t know if I am attracted to men or women. I feel so mad at the same time, because I don’t know how to label myself. Women are attractive, but sometimes men seem more attractive [when I mean men: I mean my racial preference: White.], for girls I like girls of all races, I actually have no preference, what race they came from but if I did [mostly asian, hispanic, or white] I still feel guilty, because if I am gay, I know for sure I won’t have a family when I am older, and ever since I was young, even small; I ever dreamed of having a child and a family. Pretty much, I’ve never been socially attracted to anyone before because of their personality. I know I’m still young and have a lot to go, but I still don’t know what kind of person I am. In both of my fantasies, I had one dream of having a family with a woman I loved, and another was being in bed with a really hot man, and he was whispering in my ear. I’m sorry if this is long, but I don’t know how to label myself and I am scared to ask others. I know my mom wouldn’t let me be homosexual, since she discovered my web history once and questioned me and almost ran down into tears, my dad doesn’t really mind as long as I am still the same person I am. Most of my friends wouldn’t tolerate homosexuality either, it’s so difficult. It’s just sometimes men are so attractive, and then sometimes women are attractive, I just don’t get it. It makes me sad whenever I see a straight couple, happy and I am still confused about my sexuality. I don’t know what to label myself. It’s so difficult. My family is also religious so they also have something sort of against my sexuality if I am gay. I’m so confused, though; I’m the shyest in my school so I wouldn’t know what to do if I came out. I’m so confused, it’s like there’s a really hot man waiting for me outside by his car, and a sweet and beautiful woman waiting by me by her car, and I do not know where too chose and I am stuck. :/ Sometimes I kind of miss the old days, when I didn’t have any attraction to men or women and I just enjoyed life by playing and exploring the world without worrying about love, and sex. Nowadays, my brain is always thinking about sex, but I just don’t know what gender to enjoy it with. I’m planning for that when I am of legal age, because I am not planning to date until college. I am a really nice and friendly person, and I wouldn’t rush into relationships at this age right now.
on: 1st January 70